I'll never be enough // But what is enough?

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About two years ago, before I ever had this blog, or any of my little 'Empty Boxes' to fill, I hit a pretty rough place in my life

I did and said many, many things that I regret now, but there was a period of time in my life where I stumbled upon a whole box of new feelings that I didn't know what to do with, or how to deal with them, or how in the world to get help.

The biggest thing that I remember during that period of time is the emptiness (which, over time, ended up being my main inspiration for this blog), and the whole idea of me not being "enough" for anything or anyone, and the thought that the world would be better off without a simple little girl who simply wasn't "enough" for the great, wide open out there, with so many places to fill that I never would've found if I had given up then.

This is something I think about a lot, the little girl who sat alone in her room for three years, and the slightly older girl who eventually did get help and did eventually find therapy that gradually pulled me out of that. Not too long ago, one of my favorite Youtubers, Robin Skinner, released a song that I have had on repeat since, but it wasn't until a week ago I really listened to one of the lyrics, "it's alright to feel a little bit of darkness now and then / I know I've said it once but I still tell myself again and again, 'you'll never be enough' / but what is enough?" that threw me right back to my turning point, while I was still "healing" and trying to pull myself out of what I had buried myself under.

I can't just pretend that all of that just magically disappeared after all that I had done, they still come back. Those thoughts are still in my head, just not nearly as...impactful, I guess you could say. I can't just "cure" myself all of a sudden, I still have trouble with my self esteem, the whole concept that I actually "matter" at all, and those pesky voices that I've noticed are inside a lot of us that tell us that we're not enough are all still there, they're just less frequent and are a little muffled now that I have a place to fill and call my own. But to hear exactly how I felt in a song, somehow stitched into a perfect string of words, was comforting in a way, even if I did end up reliving a little bit of what I felt like years ago, because for the first time I was able to really compare that to where I am now. Because honestly, I'm not very different personality-wise from when I was younger, the only difference between Younger Me and Older Me is that I am honestly able to tell myself that I am worth loving and that I do matter, whether or not I've found what I'm meant for. Even back then, I still had a purpose, and the place I was meant for was still out there, even if I did feel like an extra puzzle piece.

The point of this is, there's no such thing as 'enough', you don't have to be 'enough' for anyone or anything, because you were meant to be your own, and the current place you are in your life doesn't affect that in any way. Whether you are on the verge of giving up, or feel like soaring through the clouds, you still matter. You were still put here for a reason, and all of your doubts and questions about yourself and your purpose in the world are all just part of the journey. You were put here to learn and explore and to find people to share those little things you found and to keep going. To keep being, keep exploring, to keep going. If you are going to be 'enough' for anyone, you don't have to try to be enough for everyone, or really, anyone but yourself. And that is something that I wish I had been able to tell myself a long time ago. Because that little girl alone in her room was more than enough, even if she didn't know where to put all the pieces of herself. 

You are still here, and you are still trying and still going, and that is plenty

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“If I am worth anything later, I am worth something now. For wheat is wheat, even if people think it is a grass in the beginning.”

-Vincent Van Gogh

((btw if you want to know the song, its Banana Bread by Cavetown. If you like Peej Liguori, Phil Lester, Christian Novelli, or anyone like that, you'll love Robin. He's so creative and his videos are so calming, and he's getting so far and I'm so very proud of him, please, please check his videos out))