Getting better at getting better.

Day 119 - 7:59am
This week I am getting better at getting better. This week I learned that change is constant and growth is not always linear (in fact, it rarely ever is). I am not always going to see my progress and at times that will kill me and there will always be things out there that will knock me all the way back to square one, but that doesn't mean I'm still not growing in ways I can't see.

This month I reevaluated my list of people I look up to, for I realized that the majority of the people I idolized before are actually just like everyone else plus a cupful of arrogance. The people I look up to now are very ordinary with dashes of extraordinary; the girl learning to accept herself, my parents who put others first as a living, the teacher who always stood her ground and fought for what she knew was right, the other girl who sees the world through hopeful eyes, and another that is kind before she is right. These are my idols. These are the people I need to be.

These past few months I learned to ask for help. I finally asked for help recently, something I've been needing for a very long time, and though the result of my asking for help wasn't my first choice, by the end of the meeting that day we all agreed that it was what was best for me, for I have been given far too many second chances that I did not deserve. Nor do I deserve this one. In January, I viewed this whole thing as The End. It's Over. There's Nothing Left. and it was one of the main things that contributed to my hiatus of this blog and my hiding from everyone I care about. But I have help now, and I am going to use what I have left of this year and the help that I've been given to make it up to all the people who gave me second chances I didn't deserve.

The most important thing that I've learned this year is to take care of things close to home before anything else; to clean your room before setting out to save the world. and I am choosing to interpret the fact that nothing else is getting better on its own as a sign that I am the thing that needs to get better first. This year so far has been pretty rough, not gonna lie. Thankfully, we're not even halfway through this year anyway; there's still time for everything to get better. All the same, there's far too many things I need to fix, and I'm having a hard time with my priorities right now. I apologize to everything/one else I've neglected the past few months; everything's a bit of a wreck right now.

I wish things didn't have to change like this, and I'm really going to miss all the people here, but

I know I made a promise last year that I broke and I'll never forgive myself if I break it again.

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this week's playlist
Tenerife Sea - Ed Sheeran | Inside out - Eve 6 | ILYSB - LANY | Lying to You - Keaton Henson | You Are My Sunshine - The Civil Wars | November -  Sleeping With Sirens | Blood Bank - Bon Iver | Goner - Twenty One Pilots | VCR - The xx | The Moon Song - Karen O and Ezra Koenig | There Will Be Time - Mumford & Sons | Cardiac Arrest - Bad Suns | Breezeblocks - alt-j