don't waste your time on snakes and windmills.

this is certainly nothing special, just a mini update post on my life, coming from your local incredibly sentimental sap.

i believe i started this blog when i was about thirteen or fourteen??? gosh, i feel like i have been at least that many different people since i began. i'm turning twenty in just a few weeks and it just dawned on me that i am in the last couple weeks of adolescence and i can't help but feel that i should be something else. something older, more together, someone who has more money, has a somewhat coherent career path. thankfully, those are only feelings, and should does not mean have to, therefore i cannot really beat myself up over the path that i am on now. 

therefore, i have decided to do a little reintroduction, as i am in a position where i am trying to find out where i want to go next, and sometimes that requires stepping back and looking at who and where i am currently. 

i have recently been going by the name mei. i turn 20 years old next thursday. i am an infp/j and a sagittarius. i am currently in the middle of being an english major and an art major in uni, although i have not a clue what i would do with either degree, i just enjoy exploring the paths humanity has taken philosophically. i am incredibly careful at keeping my school life organized with multiple planners and binders and color coded notes with special sections and labels and certain color post-it notes to keep everything together. at the same time, i cannot keep anything else in my life organized to save my life. 

i have not been conscious about how exactly i treat my body until about 3-4 years ago, which is when i started to adore running as well. i do not read or write nearly as much as i used to, but i have been learning to listen better. at the same time, i have learned that my voice deserves a place as much as anyone else's. 

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twenty years old next week, huh?

a small visual of who i am now

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last thing i shall leave you with for now

(mga)

have a wonderful day :)

A Few Smoothie Not-Recipes & Other Thoughts

i call these 'Not-Recipes' because of who i am as a person + due to the fact i have never been good at cooking. i never measure things and i do everything by visual judgement, which has proved to create some disasters, but nonetheless i continue. these are simply lists of ingredients i have thrown into a blender in order to make myself feel better while i work

The VSCO Girl Wannabe

 

this masterpiece came in the beginning of june, when i had just come back from grad and like 

the hopeful soul my heart strives to be, i wanted to become healthier this summer and therefore

concocted this.

all it is: frozen raspberries, frozen blueberries, not coconut water (accidentally lied in the picture)

but coconut milk poured all over that, and then some honey. OH. and frozen strawberries.

 The "I wish I lived in Oregon or California, I'll even take Washington at this Point"

YES those are two of the same picture. NO i do not wish to speak about it. this was made

with a banana just cut up and chucked in the bottom of a blender at 7am, a mix of frozen

blueberries, frozen strawberries, and frozen mango, frozen dragonfruit, and some coconut 

milk again cause sure. 

 The Hiding From Old Classmates

this fabulous drink was a result of me trying to experiment with pineapple for once and therefore is a 

mix of canned pineapple + the juice and everything, just dump the whole thing in, frozen blueberries,

frozen strawberries, coconut milk, honey, a banana, and some blackberries. 10/10

The Soft Girl Listens to Emo Music Once

    oh this beauty?????? another experiment. for this one, you need a banana, honey, coconut milk (see

    my disastrous, expensive trend here), frozen peaches, frozen pineapple, frozen mango, and frozen 

    strawberries. wasn't a bad morning at all. 

 The Middle Aged Crisis But You're 19 and Anxious

this one had a weird texture honestly, but it's for the Health so whatever. this was made with

a fistful of spinach, frozen mango, an apple, canned pineapple, cucumber, and a banana. throw

some blackberries on it to make your day not terrible if you're feeling it. 

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i'm getting a car. which is. the strangest thing to me, i never really thought i would make it this far. 

i do have moments of deep regret for choosing my english major, because, although it would give me

more options in the future, i still get an ache deep in my chest when i look at my art school acceptance letters and wonder who would i have been. maybe i'll end up switching anyway. 

i have been rewatching old dan howell liveshows that i used to watch every week back when i was in online school YEARS ago and it's been so refreshing recently to go back and remember that he exists and he is doing so much better. i also remember the fact that i recently bought a pride patch for my backpack and feel better knowing i'm on the way to healing after homophobic trauma as well. he is a wonderful soul. i owe him a whole lot honestly. between him and nathan zed and my own damn self, the future will be better. 

lastly, one of the strangest things to think about is how you will never completely know another human being. how they may never tell you all of their struggles (not all you can see, either), nor 

will you know all of their memories, who they were in the past, who they will become, who they

are to other people. humans don't even entirely know themselves. being alive is the strangest thing. 

anywho

time for another introspection smoothie, i guess

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Nandemonaiya - RADWIMPS / Euphoria - BTS / The Good Side - Kina Grannis / Perfect Places - Lorde / Liability (Reprise) - Lorde / Chocolate Jonas LR Remix - The 1975 / Chlorine (19.4326 N, 99.1332 W) - Twenty One Pilots / Leftovers - Dennis Lloyd / Bridges Burn - NEEDTOBREATH / Some Nights - Fun

torn between "bloom where you're planted" and "never settle"

it hasn't quite hit yet? i was elected to be the one to put together my class' graduation video, and it still hasn't hit. tears have been shed for "next year"s and "what if"s and it still has not hit. i am in the process of finding a new editor for the school newspaper next year, and it still hasn't hit. 

maybe it has. i stopped going to the cafeteria for food and have been hiding in my room, holed up with studies and last minute papers, as if my life depended on it. as if it was a defense mechanism. maybe it has. 

i want something to teach me to love what i have, the numbered days i own, the few multitudes that remain from earlier days. people i used to talk to in middle school will message me for grad invites, and none of it feels real. it's as if this is a game we're all playing. we're not really all leaving, are we? when i was younger, one night a senior girl we used to live next to had a small group over until about 3am, and they just sat and talked over a fire under the stars about memories. i could just hear them out my window as i watched the stars that night, practically aching for the feeling of leaving one day. 

i want to construct my own days of gold; i no longer want to wait for those days to me time. i want a drive to work, i want a sense of wonder to explore, i want my discipline to be what pulls me through whatever necessary. i want my tongue to halt before letting it fill my spaces with poison and slander. 

teach me to love what i have, but let me learn to want to go out and fight for a better life in this world. i no longer want my own mind to be the trap that is able to hold me back from so much. i don't want other's eyes to be what grabs at me and tackles me to the ground. 

i have already put together uni plans, bought the grad dress, put together the presentation for leaving, carefully constructed the perfect show for no one to remember me by by the time the next group of four-years roll around. 

i was never a four-year anywhere, but i have heard legends of those who came before me, crawling back to our english teacher and crying out that they have done nothing with their life, and they're already twenty-four.

our english teacher says he just laughs and tells them

"you've only just begun."

☁️     ☁️     ☁️

i am leaving these doors very soon. how lucky am i to be only just beginning.

☁️     ☁️     ☁️

The Man Who Married a Robot - the 1975 | How to Draw - the 1975 | 5:32pm - the deli | Blessings (reprise) - chance the rapper | Outrun - de hofnar & alfie day | hospital bed - cold war kids | lookalike - conan gray | 7000x - judah & the lion