Wednesday, January 13, 2016

A Short Interlude

So um, I'm going to be leaving for a while.
I'm just not happy here anymore, or anywhere on the internet anymore, really, so I'm going to be taking a break for a couple months. I've currently got a job, my art, school, and my general well-being to worry about that I haven't been worrying about for a while, so I'm just going to be eliminating everything that keeps me from that for the time being until I can pull myself together. Plus, I'm not really proud of the drafts that I've been working on the past few months, and if I'm not even able to come up with something decent to post, it's probably a good idea for me to take a break. I've had this draft typed up for quite some time now, actually, like it was some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card, and I'm finally ready to use it. 
Whether I want to stay all depends on how I feel when I get back, so I guess I'll see you all then. :)
You all take care of yourselves out there, okay?

((and please don't take my photos, thank you <3))

Thursday, January 7, 2016

I'll never be enough // But what is enough?

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About two years ago, before I ever had this blog, or any of my little 'Empty Boxes' to fill, I hit a pretty rough place in my life

I did and said many, many things that I regret now, but there was a period of time in my life where I stumbled upon a whole box of new feelings that I didn't know what to do with, or how to deal with them, or how in the world to get help.

The biggest thing that I remember during that period of time is the emptiness (which, over time, ended up being my main inspiration for this blog), and the whole idea of me not being "enough" for anything or anyone, and the thought that the world would be better off without a simple little girl who simply wasn't "enough" for the great, wide open out there, with so many places to fill that I never would've found if I had given up then.

This is something I think about a lot, the little girl who sat alone in her room for three years, and the slightly older girl who eventually did get help and did eventually find therapy that gradually pulled me out of that. Not too long ago, one of my favorite Youtubers, Robin Skinner, released a song that I have had on repeat since, but it wasn't until a week ago I really listened to one of the lyrics, "it's alright to feel a little bit of darkness now and then / I know I've said it once but I still tell myself again and again, 'you'll never be enough' / but what is enough?" that threw me right back to my turning point, while I was still "healing" and trying to pull myself out of what I had buried myself under.

I can't just pretend that all of that just magically disappeared after all that I had done, they still come back. Those thoughts are still in my head, just not nearly as...impactful, I guess you could say. I can't just "cure" myself all of a sudden, I still have trouble with my self esteem, the whole concept that I actually "matter" at all, and those pesky voices that I've noticed are inside a lot of us that tell us that we're not enough are all still there, they're just less frequent and are a little muffled now that I have a place to fill and call my own. But to hear exactly how I felt in a song, somehow stitched into a perfect string of words, was comforting in a way, even if I did end up reliving a little bit of what I felt like years ago, because for the first time I was able to really compare that to where I am now. Because honestly, I'm not very different personality-wise from when I was younger, the only difference between Younger Me and Older Me is that I am honestly able to tell myself that I am worth loving and that I do matter, whether or not I've found what I'm meant for. Even back then, I still had a purpose, and the place I was meant for was still out there, even if I did feel like an extra puzzle piece.

The point of this is, there's no such thing as 'enough', you don't have to be 'enough' for anyone or anything, because you were meant to be your own, and the current place you are in your life doesn't affect that in any way. Whether you are on the verge of giving up, or feel like soaring through the clouds, you still matter. You were still put here for a reason, and all of your doubts and questions about yourself and your purpose in the world are all just part of the journey. You were put here to learn and explore and to find people to share those little things you found and to keep going. To keep being, keep exploring, to keep going. If you are going to be 'enough' for anyone, you don't have to try to be enough for everyone, or really, anyone but yourself. And that is something that I wish I had been able to tell myself a long time ago. Because that little girl alone in her room was more than enough, even if she didn't know where to put all the pieces of herself. 
You are still here, and you are still trying and still going, and that is plenty

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“If I am worth anything later, I am worth something now. For wheat is wheat, even if people think it is a grass in the beginning.”
-Vincent Van Gogh

((btw if you want to know the song, its Banana Bread by Cavetown. If you like Peej Liguori, Phil Lester, Christian Novelli, or anyone like that, you'll love Robin. He's so creative and his videos are so calming, and he's getting so far and I'm so very proud of him, please, please check his videos out))

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

My Safe Places

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peej liguori
twenty one pilots
morning sun rays
the ocean
my little glass house
blue neighborhood

◇      ◇      

things I've been listening to:
All I Want - Kodaline // The Cave - Mumford and Sons // Smile - Mikky Ekko // A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie // Ink - Coldplay // Bad Habit - The Kooks // La Vie En Rose - Daniela Andrade // Taxi Cab - Twenty One Pilots // Banana Bread - Cavetown // Say It - Houndmouth // Sound - The 1975 // All Is Well - Austin Basham // Heaven - Troye Sivan

((please don't take my photos, thank you <3 <3))
(((p.s. guess who finally updated her art page for the first time in 300 years)))

Sunday, January 3, 2016

psa (everythings a mess help)

Hello, hi, I am trying to take all of my holiday stuff down and putting everything back to normal, but since I am currently not at home/don't have access to my computer, the blogs gonna be quite a mess the next couple weeks, so if you're wondering why everything's mix-matched and a slight wreck (like my bedroom rn, and my science notes), it'll be back to normal soon

Friday, January 1, 2016

define: adventure

Not too long ago, I came across a tumblr posts that read 

"god i love people who refer to anything as an adventure. 
“wanna go on an adventure?” *goes to mcdonald’s for ice cream at 1am*"

And regardless of the fact that it made me question my life and who I am based on what I consider an 'adventure', I'd like to thank tumblr user kehinki for making me reevaluate my life and motivating me to listen to other people more often in terms of what they consider an adventure.

I have met so many people in my time who are true wanderers at heart.
They spend so much time looking at pictures of the world and gazing longingly over plane ticket prices and wondering what it would be like to one day leave their own little town to explore the whole world around them. These kinds of people inspire me so much.
But in reality, I've noticed during these past few months that my ultimate favorite kinds of people are the ones who can find an adventure in every little piece of dust that happens to fly by. The ones that turn waiting at the bus stop into a game of 'who can find the first yellow car?', and the ones who can come to the same place every day and find something new in that same little place. I was heavily  influenced by these kinds of people in my childhood, as both of my parents live in this mindset, and it is something that I have been jealous of for the longest time. (I think it's also why Up continues to be one of my all-time favorite movies. Ellie was my favorite character ever when it came out, and I wanted an adventure book more than anything in the world. I still have yet to fly away in a house hung in the sky below a cloud of balloons, but I'm working on it)
I've spent so long talking about how I could never handle a job where I have to sit in an office day by day, sitting in the same place with nowhere to go, and while I'm still in that mindset where I want more than anything, to travel the world and see everything, I still look for those people every day who are able to turn a little office room into an adventure. In fact, over Christmas, my parents' company gave a camera to me, one I had been wanting for so very long, and I am determined to use it as I was told to--to find adventures in the smallest places. The past week, every single day I go around our little house, around our yard, and into our little town if I'm feeling up to it, to find adventures all on my own. And honestly, they've been some of the best little walks I've ever taken. I just hope that one day I'll be able to define an adventure as simply as existing. Walking down the street, lying in bed, wondering what I'll dream tonight, or just making breakfast or going to school. Maybe, just maybe, my life wouldn't be so dull, and I won't have to worry so much then.
To quote yet another tumblr post, "Your adventure doesn’t begin once you move to your dream home or your favorite part of the country. It does not begin once you’re financially stable. It doesn’t begin once you have a certain amount of instagram or tumblr followers. It is now. Life is happening right under your nose and if you don’t pay attention, you’ll miss it. Daydreams are well and good, but if you spend all your time dreaming, you’ll forget you’re awake and breathing and living life, and you will miss it. Be present. Be fully alive. Accept failure. Begin again, and again, and again. You are writing your own story, no one else. Decide what kind of story you want to write and start living it today."

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"When people say they want to see the world, what they're really saying is, 'I want to see different'."
-dottie james

((pls dont take my photos, thank you lovelies <3))