hello (darkness my old friend)

it's been quite a while since anything's actually been touched on this blog, incredible, it feels all new and special again

ayyy, so my name is Kelsey and surprisingly enough, I can't even count the times I've tried to open this blog and left without fail, nice to meet you!!!!

it's been a wild past few *patrick stump voice* CENTURIEEESSS months, and as of recently, I wanted to reopen this for I found out that I'm doing a school exchange program (I'm a small child and cannot be trusted in a new town all by myself, I am not Adult™ enough, send multiple ambulances) and I wanted to possibly try to document this in some way?

It won't be happening until early January, so there's going to be some time until I actually start posting on here, but since it's been actual months since I've opened this (and everything's different again, who at Google do I fight, they completely redid everything), I decided to try and get back into something that resembles the old routine on here

this is definitely getting the award for the absolute worst introduction post, especially as a "yooo, i never told you i was leaving in the first place--psych. (cue the awkward + apologetic finger guns @ literally nobody)" post, but by the time I get on the plane in January, the blog will probably get a decent makeover (watch it end up getting back that old black star background for nostalgia's sake, yikes) and there'll be a new intro post that had effort put into it, whoopdedoo

anywho, (THEY FINALLY COUNT "ANYWHO" AS AN ACTUAL WORD ON HERE, DO YOU HEAR THE ANGELS SING) this should be quite the adventure.

looking forward to coming back to dump random, cheesy paragraphs on here (again)

can you believe this gif still is in my folders, its a beautiful day

• Life, even with all the horrible things mixed in, is very much worth living
• Mallory Ortberg is right about everything
• keeping your favorite band away from the rest of the world is one of the worst thing you can do for them
• Having a strong voice on the internet is a very special thing
• that being said, having a strong voice on the internet is also a very scary thing and should be used in moderation and learning to be critical of what you put out there is important
• You should never feel bad for feeling excited about something you love
• Travelling by yourself is actually one of the best feelings in the world
• but, at same time, as much as it is important to learn to be independent and to grow on your own, having a hand to hold along the way is a good feeling too 
• Listen to good music now. Your future self will thank you.
• Everywhere you go, you are a student. (x)
• comparing your progress to someone else's is probably one of the worst things you can do for your self esteem. everyone is at different places at different times of their lives and everyone's going to figure themselves out at different points of their lives and that's okay
• Hating your past self will do nothing for you. Accept the fact that Little You is still learning and Current You is still learning and there will always be new things to learn in the future 
• I know there are constantly a lot of bad things happening all the time, but please don't forget that there is still good in the world and people are still worth loving
• honestly, who cares if other people know if you like 1D still or you still like coloring books, who cares, you just do u my friend
• There is not a single person on this planet or in this wide, vast galaxy that could fill your place
• the world isn't out to get you, no one hates you, you're not nearly as awkward as you think, and people are kinder than you may think
• you
• deserve
• to 
• be
• happy
• care! about! things! apathy is so passe
• as long as you're wearing cool socks, you're automatically the coolest (i'm so tired i just wrote "coolester" i'm dying) person in the room
• The history of Japan is actually really cool and Bill Wurtz needs to be my teacher for everything
• When someone argues against your points, keep in mind that you're either right or you get to learn something new, and either is fine. Being proved wrong in an argument isn't necessarily a bad thing and being able to admit that you hadn't thought about the thing that way before or that you misunderstood something before is a strength, not a weakness 
• Whenever you feel bad about your work, just think about how impressed Little You would be at how far you've come.
• DON'T PRETEND TO LIKE THINGS TO IMPRESS PEOPLE
• you are too old for petty drama
• Your friends aren't always going to be there for you. It's okay. 
• don't be afraid of the word 'no'
• Forgiving yourself is very very hard, and you're going to go through times when you really hate yourself for something. Remember that it's okay and what happened doesn't matter nearly as much as you think it does. You'll be okay soon.
• Use as much as your free time as possible to improve your mind. Find some new music, read that book that's been on your shelf for months, practice that instrument that's collected dust, research a topic you're curious about, try new things
• don't let yourself hate other people. don't hold grunges. don't talk about people behind their backs. don't hate. don't hate. don't hate. 
• you can't demand a service while simultaneously degrading the people who provide it for you.
• you're still learning. everyone around you is still learning. 
• you're going to be okay, friend.
• and everything else will be okay too.
• everything will be okay.

_        _        _

this week's playlist (favorites bolded)

Pull Me Down - Mikky Ekko | Dust Bowl Dance - Mumford & Sons | Mars - Sleeping At Last | Drown - Tyler Joseph | Next To Me - Sleeping At Last | You Were A Home That I Wanted To Grow Up In - Flatsound | Now Is The Start - A Fine Frenzy | On The Brightside - Never Shout Never | Jupiter - Sleeping At Last | American Candy - The Maine | Everybody's Changing - Keane | Cough It Out - The Front Bottoms | Somebody Else - The 1975 | Taxi Cab - Vampire Weekend | Cleopatra - The Lumineers | The House We Grew Up In - The Weeks | Feels Like We Only Go Backwards - Tame Impala | Compass - Zella Day | Light - Sleeping At Last | You Wrote "Don't Forget" On Your Arm - Flatsound

Happy Little Things

So about seven hundred years ago, quite a few of you (Lauren, Ashley, Adaline, Ellie, Gwen, Maddie, Adelaide) did the happy tag, where you basically just list the things that make you happy, all in different categories, and because I'm a mushy, nostalgic mess, I'm going to do the same. I don't know who originally did this, I'm sorry, if anyone knows if you could let me know that would be great.

_        _        _

Scents

Cinnamon | vanilla cookie candles | dust | books | petrichor | clean sheets

Books

 Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire Saenz | Challenger Deep - Neal Shusterman | The Wednesday Wars - Gary D. Schmidt | Keeper of the Lost Cities - Shannon Messenger | Oh, The Places You'll Go - Dr. Seuss | The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien | The Amazing Book is not On Fire - Dan and Phil | Jeremy Fink and the Meaning of Life - Wendy Mass

Movies and TV

Girl Meets World | Legally Blonde | Dead Poets Society | Remember the Titans | The Princess Bride | Matilda | Leap Year | The Neverending Story | The Suite Life of Zack and Cody | Frasier | Breakfast at Tiffany's | Finding Nemo | Lord of the Rings | The Hobbit | Malcolm in the Middle | Parks and Recreation

Words

aspire | universe | meliorism | orphic | oddity | explorer | escapade

Songs
Kansas City - The New Basement Tapes | Love at First Sight - The Brobecks | Woman Woman - AWOLNATION | Avalanche - WALK THE MOON | Anna Sun - WALK THE MOON | Luna - Bombay Bicycle Club | First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes | Dead Hearts - Stars | Taking Pictures of You - The Kooks | I'll Keep On - NF | Stay In the Clouds - Zee Avi | Anathema - Twenty One Pilots | Lovely - Twenty One Pilots | Recover - CHVRCHES | Forest - Twenty One Pilots | Ease - Troye Sivan | Two Young Hearts - Sabrina Carpenter | Oblivion - Bastille | Little Bird - Ed Sheeran | Dear Bobbie - Yellowcard | Holding Onto You - Twenty One Pilots | SING - My Chemical Romance | Spotlight - Patrick Stump | Banana Bread - Cavetown | LA Devotee - Panic! at the Disco | All of them Dreams - Tom Rosenthal | Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros | Suburbia - Troye Sivan | Slowtown - Twenty One Pilots

Other Things
My fabulous little El Bandito |  birds | the ocean | my dan to my phil | singing at the top of your lungs during road trips | koi fish | banana bread | finding new bands | those 'the way I see it' starbucks cups | the color yellow | fog | blue neighborhood | sunflowers | golden morning sun rays that hit all the corners of your house | art | books | stars | forests | plants | tea | dogs and cats | cloudy and rainy days | walks in the city | old twenty one pilots tweets | ice cream | fairy lights | lifting off in an airplane and watching the cities get smaller and smaller | staying in hotels | little cottages | overgrown gardens | flag banners | those bookshelves with rolling ladders

From what I've come across, this hasn't been a "be tagged and tag others" tag, so if you feel like diving into a sea of nostalgia and mushy feelings, then by all means, go ahead and spread the joy. It's a really sweet tag, and tends to make people happier.

_        _        _


last night we finally got the keys to the new house my family's moving into, and I got to visit my new room for a while. It's a little smaller than the one I have now, so I'm currently in the process of  getting rid of a lot of old things. So far it's been a little scary, but something about spending some time to visit my new room and get used to it helped a lot. The neighborhood isn't bad; we're at the end of this roundabout surrounded by a bunch of trees. I still get the view of the sunset that I wanted and my window's behind a giant tree in the front so I still feel safe and secluded. I'm still working on getting used to it, but we'll just have to see what happens.

Also, I'm finally on spring break, which has been giving me more time to work on other things other than panicking over deadlines and trying to keep from tossing my textbooks out the window, so that's been great.

I hope you're all doing well! I think I'm finally caught up with most of your blogs (good luck to those of you who still aren't on spring break btw or who don't have it at all, wow) I hope schools been good for you, and that your pets and everything are all doing great.

Maybe one of these days I'll learn how to make an outro to a post without making it awkward

Until my next snack break between Parks and Rec episodes, kids

Reintroduction

So um...hi?? It's been a while. 
I'm back to the same old blog, just with a whole new url and look, which still feels strange honestly, but I like the new feel of it.
It's official, this is the longest hiatus I've ever had, but I needed it. I was wanting to come back a lot sooner, but it didn't exactly go as planned. Either way, I'm really happy to be back.

Please forgive me if I don't sound the same, it's been a while and quite a few of my interests have changed and I'm still not quite comfortable with everything yet. I haven't been on blogger for a couple months either, so if in the last week or so you noticed a sudden spike in your pageviews, that was probably me. I'm still working on catching up with everything and hoping I can reestablish this little corner of the internet. 

I feel like I left you all as the Dan and Phil + pun loving member of the community and then completely changed myself and dragged myself back, which feels unfair to all of you in a way I guess and I feel really bad, but maybe I can try to introduce you to the things I love (again).  It will probably happen in a post later on. 

Since I haven't asked in a long time, how are all of you doing? I've tried to catch up with the majority of you by reading blogs, but sometimes it's still hard to tell, so how's life for everyone? How is school, your pets, maybe some of you have made some drastic changes in your lives? (I'm really sorry, I'm so bad at this)

Hopefully by next week I'll be better at this. I do have a couple drafts already up and ready to go, so I'm looking forward to those in the meantime.

(And I'm going to get better at this, I promise.) 

Dear Future,

Thank you for being kind

Thank you for always settling in as the gentle present

Thank you for never being anything more than I can handle 

I'll admit, I was a little terrified at first when I first heard of you, but I appreciate all of the wonderful people you've given me along the way so I don't have to take this path alone

I'm sorry for pushing you away for the longest time when I was younger; you have to understand, I didn't know what to think

Because you bring such terrible, wonderful things, and I wasn't ready to face any of them 

But along with the people, you've given me hope and a whole new perspective on the most beautiful, horrible place I've ever seen
Please forgive me if I'm still a little hesitant, but I still doubt myself and wonder if I'll ever be ready to fully come out of my own little box I've grown so fond of 

All the same, I'm very glad you're here, and I invite you in to take a seat

Pour yourself a cup of tea and make yourself at home

I'm ready to hear all about the world you've built for me

_        _        _

fun fact: I was sitting alone on a beach a few months ago, right behind the group of kids in the last picture. we all sat and watched the waves while the boy and girl on the far right played the flute while the middle one played the ukulele and the other two sang about the future and hope and love while the sun went down. Sitting on that beach behind that group of kids was the calmest and most at peace with the world I've felt in a very long time.

_        _        _

this week's playlist
I'll Keep On - NF, Jeremiah Carlson | Heal - Tom Odell | The Light Behind Your Eyes - My Chemical Romance | Woman Woman - AWOLNATION | Kansas City - The New Basement Tapes | Avalance - WALK THE MOON | Portugal - WALK THE MOON | R.I.P. 2 My Youth - The Neighbourhood | What It Costs - Switchfoot | Maps - The Front Bottoms | Stay In The Clouds - Zee Avi | Ghosts That We Knew - Mumford and Sons | Carried Away - Dionysia | All These Things That I've Done - The Killers

A Short Interlude

So um, I'm going to be leaving for a while.

I'm just not happy here anymore, or anywhere on the internet anymore, really, so I'm going to be taking a break for a couple months. I've currently got a job, my art, school, and my general well-being to worry about that I haven't been worrying about for a while, so I'm just going to be eliminating everything that keeps me from that for the time being until I can pull myself together. Plus, I'm not really proud of the drafts that I've been working on the past few months, and if I'm not even able to come up with something decent to post, it's probably a good idea for me to take a break. I've had this draft typed up for quite some time now, actually, like it was some sort of get-out-of-jail-free card, and I'm finally ready to use it. 

Whether I want to stay all depends on how I feel when I get back, so I guess I'll see you all then. :)
You all take care of yourselves out there, okay?

((and please don't take my photos, thank you <3))

I'll never be enough // But what is enough?

 ~     ~     ~

About two years ago, before I ever had this blog, or any of my little 'Empty Boxes' to fill, I hit a pretty rough place in my life

I did and said many, many things that I regret now, but there was a period of time in my life where I stumbled upon a whole box of new feelings that I didn't know what to do with, or how to deal with them, or how in the world to get help.

The biggest thing that I remember during that period of time is the emptiness (which, over time, ended up being my main inspiration for this blog), and the whole idea of me not being "enough" for anything or anyone, and the thought that the world would be better off without a simple little girl who simply wasn't "enough" for the great, wide open out there, with so many places to fill that I never would've found if I had given up then.

This is something I think about a lot, the little girl who sat alone in her room for three years, and the slightly older girl who eventually did get help and did eventually find therapy that gradually pulled me out of that. Not too long ago, one of my favorite Youtubers, Robin Skinner, released a song that I have had on repeat since, but it wasn't until a week ago I really listened to one of the lyrics, "it's alright to feel a little bit of darkness now and then / I know I've said it once but I still tell myself again and again, 'you'll never be enough' / but what is enough?" that threw me right back to my turning point, while I was still "healing" and trying to pull myself out of what I had buried myself under.

I can't just pretend that all of that just magically disappeared after all that I had done, they still come back. Those thoughts are still in my head, just not nearly as...impactful, I guess you could say. I can't just "cure" myself all of a sudden, I still have trouble with my self esteem, the whole concept that I actually "matter" at all, and those pesky voices that I've noticed are inside a lot of us that tell us that we're not enough are all still there, they're just less frequent and are a little muffled now that I have a place to fill and call my own. But to hear exactly how I felt in a song, somehow stitched into a perfect string of words, was comforting in a way, even if I did end up reliving a little bit of what I felt like years ago, because for the first time I was able to really compare that to where I am now. Because honestly, I'm not very different personality-wise from when I was younger, the only difference between Younger Me and Older Me is that I am honestly able to tell myself that I am worth loving and that I do matter, whether or not I've found what I'm meant for. Even back then, I still had a purpose, and the place I was meant for was still out there, even if I did feel like an extra puzzle piece.

The point of this is, there's no such thing as 'enough', you don't have to be 'enough' for anyone or anything, because you were meant to be your own, and the current place you are in your life doesn't affect that in any way. Whether you are on the verge of giving up, or feel like soaring through the clouds, you still matter. You were still put here for a reason, and all of your doubts and questions about yourself and your purpose in the world are all just part of the journey. You were put here to learn and explore and to find people to share those little things you found and to keep going. To keep being, keep exploring, to keep going. If you are going to be 'enough' for anyone, you don't have to try to be enough for everyone, or really, anyone but yourself. And that is something that I wish I had been able to tell myself a long time ago. Because that little girl alone in her room was more than enough, even if she didn't know where to put all the pieces of herself. 

You are still here, and you are still trying and still going, and that is plenty

~     ~     ~

“If I am worth anything later, I am worth something now. For wheat is wheat, even if people think it is a grass in the beginning.”

-Vincent Van Gogh

((btw if you want to know the song, its Banana Bread by Cavetown. If you like Peej Liguori, Phil Lester, Christian Novelli, or anyone like that, you'll love Robin. He's so creative and his videos are so calming, and he's getting so far and I'm so very proud of him, please, please check his videos out))

My Safe Places

~     ☁     ~

peej liguori

cavetown

twenty one pilots

trees

stars

morning sun rays

the ocean

sunflowers

books

art

journey

my little glass house

blue neighborhood

youtube

you.


◇      ◇      ◇


things I've been listening to:
All I Want - Kodaline // The Cave - Mumford and Sons // Smile - Mikky Ekko // A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie // Ink - Coldplay // Bad Habit - The Kooks // La Vie En Rose - Daniela Andrade // Taxi Cab - Twenty One Pilots // Banana Bread - Cavetown // Say It - Houndmouth // Sound - The 1975 // All Is Well - Austin Basham // Heaven - Troye Sivan


((please don't take my photos, thank you <3 <3))
(((p.s. guess who finally updated her art page for the first time in 300 years)))

define: adventure

Not too long ago, I came across a tumblr posts that read 

"god i love people who refer to anything as an adventure. 

“wanna go on an adventure?” *goes to mcdonald’s for ice cream at 1am*"

And regardless of the fact that it made me question my life and who I am based on what I consider an 'adventure', I'd like to thank tumblr user kehinki for making me reevaluate my life and motivating me to listen to other people more often in terms of what they consider an adventure.

I have met so many people in my time who are true wanderers at heart.

They spend so much time looking at pictures of the world and gazing longingly over plane ticket prices and wondering what it would be like to one day leave their own little town to explore the whole world around them. These kinds of people inspire me so much.

But in reality, I've noticed during these past few months that my ultimate favorite kinds of people are the ones who can find an adventure in every little piece of dust that happens to fly by. The ones that turn waiting at the bus stop into a game of 'who can find the first yellow car?', and the ones who can come to the same place every day and find something new in that same little place. I was heavily  influenced by these kinds of people in my childhood, as both of my parents live in this mindset, and it is something that I have been jealous of for the longest time. (I think it's also why Up continues to be one of my all-time favorite movies. Ellie was my favorite character ever when it came out, and I wanted an adventure book more than anything in the world. I still have yet to fly away in a house hung in the sky below a cloud of balloons, but I'm working on it)

I've spent so long talking about how I could never handle a job where I have to sit in an office day by day, sitting in the same place with nowhere to go, and while I'm still in that mindset where I want more than anything, to travel the world and see everything, I still look for those people every day who are able to turn a little office room into an adventure. In fact, over Christmas, my parents' company gave a camera to me, one I had been wanting for so very long, and I am determined to use it as I was told to--to find adventures in the smallest places. The past week, every single day I go around our little house, around our yard, and into our little town if I'm feeling up to it, to find adventures all on my own. And honestly, they've been some of the best little walks I've ever taken. I just hope that one day I'll be able to define an adventure as simply as existing. Walking down the street, lying in bed, wondering what I'll dream tonight, or just making breakfast or going to school. Maybe, just maybe, my life wouldn't be so dull, and I won't have to worry so much then.

To quote yet another tumblr post, "Your adventure doesn’t begin once you move to your dream home or your favorite part of the country. It does not begin once you’re financially stable. It doesn’t begin once you have a certain amount of instagram or tumblr followers. It is now. Life is happening right under your nose and if you don’t pay attention, you’ll miss it. Daydreams are well and good, but if you spend all your time dreaming, you’ll forget you’re awake and breathing and living life, and you will miss it. Be present. Be fully alive. Accept failure. Begin again, and again, and again. You are writing your own story, no one else. Decide what kind of story you want to write and start living it today."

~     ~     ~

"When people say they want to see the world, what they're really saying is, 'I want to see different'."

-dottie james

((pls dont take my photos, thank you lovelies <3))

Farewell, 2015

Look at you

It's the end of 2015

 and you've survived everything up until this point

and you're still here.

 If that's not an accomplishment, I don't know what is

***

I've had this blog for over a year now, and even now, I have no idea where this all is going to go.
I still have no idea where I'll end up, what I'll end up writing, or who all is going to be here when
I do, but for the time being I'm really happy that I traded my notebooks and half dried pens for all
of you, and I'm so glad that you all have stayed to listen to my ramblings about bands and
my silly life and that you haven't jumped out of the boat, no matter how many ridiculous
obsessions I've acquired over the year.

I've watched a lot of you change and grow, and I've seen a lot of people come and go in the
community, but I'm proud of you all who have stayed and have learned a lot about yourself
and the people around you in the process.

As of the end of 2015, I have 67 followers, 20,000 pageviews, and 1,246 comments.
That's insane.
Coming from someone who never thought I'd get more than 1 follower or make it over
ten views in my little corner of the internet, that is absolutely insane and it means so much
just wow what do I even do with that information, have a hug and a cupcake, all of you

Anyway, it's been quite a while, but here is my little jar for 2015.

***

I've continued to work on my little jar project the past 12 months, and
it's actually gone quite well

To say the least, I've very proud of where I am now compared to the 

mess I had buried myself under just a few short years ago.

I'm no longer overwhelmed by my silly, negative thoughts that I've left

far behind me in the dust, and have a whole new outlook on life.

In the words of The Great All Time Low, I like to tell myself that

I'm 'safe from the weight of the world' in a sense. 

It's comforting for some reason

The whole purpose of this project was to keep myself from all those negative

thoughts and to learn to love myself for once in my life, and for the first time ever,

I'm honestly able to say that I am comfortable with my body and my mind.

Of course, little pieces of my old frame of mind will come crawling back to me

every once and while, but I'm finally strong enough to not let those

thoughts overwhelm me and keep me from living, and that means the absolute

world to me, you don't even know.

This year, I decided to fold all my little pieces of papers, with little happy moments

or events from every day of the year, into little stars, since stars in general have a 

really special meaning to me after a big thing happened when I was little.

It's comforting in a strange way to watch this little jar fill up with little paper

things that would finally make me tear up at the end of the year with all the silly

things that I thought were exciting enough to write down before crashing in bed 

for the night.

They weren't very big things, but they were very important all the same

I'm very happy to have collected all of my little stars, and I can't wait to continue

to do so for the next year.

Who knows where my next jar will take me.

I've read last year's New Year post over and over again the past 24 hours

in order to get some ideas for this year's big finish, but I ended up laughing

at Me From the Past, telling myself that there's no way 2015 could be any better than 2014.

Oh, younger me, you don't even know.

It's going to be so much better.

***

"Before I spam you with more firework gifs than anyone could ever ask for, I guess I should try and type up a list of resolutions/goals/reminders since this is really the only time of the year I'm motivated to improve myself. Wish me luck." -me, 2014

(google wants to edit 'gifs' to 'figs' and i cant stop laughing, why am i like this, i swear im 3)

This year I've decided to not write any resolutions or anything.

And that's not because I've failed last year's resolutions, because guess what??

I've accomplished all 16 goals from last year.

LADIES AND GENTS, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, I'VE ACTUALLY
ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING. xD

But in all seriousness, my only goal for 2016 is to keep going. To keep exploring, keep

creating, and to keep learning. I've grown a whole lot in 2015, and the biggest thing I've

learned about myself this past year, is that if I want to grow, I can't force myself to learn

things and explore and have a good time, I have to let everything fall in place. As long as I'm 

still here at the end of next year, that's all I could ever hope for.

BUT IF YOU THINK I'M NOT GOING TO SPAM ALL YOU LOVELY

MUFFINS WITH FIREWORK GIFS (*figs), YOU ARE SO VERY WRONG MY FRIEND.

***

***

Have a wonderful year, you guys.

I've had the best year I could've ever hoped for, and I've got so much more to

explore, and I hope you all get to do plenty of that yourselves.

Go make things, go listen to some music, go find new artists, go fall in love with

yourself and other people, go share ideas and learn about the world, and travel, and everything.

Just go do everything, that sounds good.

Just take care of yourselves out there in the big world, okay? 

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.” 

-Neil Gaiman

Have a wonderful year, lovelies. <3 <3 <3

AND DON'T FORGE TO EAT LOTS OF FRUIT (ESPECIALLY PINEAPPLE)

DON'T DO DRUGS, STAY IN SCHOOL

AND READ A LOVELY BOOK FOR ME

HAPPY 2016 MY LITTLE MUFFINS

<3

***