Getting better at getting better.

Day 119 - 7:59am
This week I am getting better at getting better. This week I learned that change is constant and growth is not always linear (in fact, it rarely ever is). I am not always going to see my progress and at times that will kill me and there will always be things out there that will knock me all the way back to square one, but that doesn't mean I'm still not growing in ways I can't see.

This month I reevaluated my list of people I look up to, for I realized that the majority of the people I idolized before are actually just like everyone else plus a cupful of arrogance. The people I look up to now are very ordinary with dashes of extraordinary; the girl learning to accept herself, my parents who put others first as a living, the teacher who always stood her ground and fought for what she knew was right, the other girl who sees the world through hopeful eyes, and another that is kind before she is right. These are my idols. These are the people I need to be.

These past few months I learned to ask for help. I finally asked for help recently, something I've been needing for a very long time, and though the result of my asking for help wasn't my first choice, by the end of the meeting that day we all agreed that it was what was best for me, for I have been given far too many second chances that I did not deserve. Nor do I deserve this one. In January, I viewed this whole thing as The End. It's Over. There's Nothing Left. and it was one of the main things that contributed to my hiatus of this blog and my hiding from everyone I care about. But I have help now, and I am going to use what I have left of this year and the help that I've been given to make it up to all the people who gave me second chances I didn't deserve.

The most important thing that I've learned this year is to take care of things close to home before anything else; to clean your room before setting out to save the world. and I am choosing to interpret the fact that nothing else is getting better on its own as a sign that I am the thing that needs to get better first. This year so far has been pretty rough, not gonna lie. Thankfully, we're not even halfway through this year anyway; there's still time for everything to get better. All the same, there's far too many things I need to fix, and I'm having a hard time with my priorities right now. I apologize to everything/one else I've neglected the past few months; everything's a bit of a wreck right now.

I wish things didn't have to change like this, and I'm really going to miss all the people here, but

I know I made a promise last year that I broke and I'll never forgive myself if I break it again.

_        _        _

this week's playlist
Tenerife Sea - Ed Sheeran | Inside out - Eve 6 | ILYSB - LANY | Lying to You - Keaton Henson | You Are My Sunshine - The Civil Wars | November -  Sleeping With Sirens | Blood Bank - Bon Iver | Goner - Twenty One Pilots | VCR - The xx | The Moon Song - Karen O and Ezra Koenig | There Will Be Time - Mumford & Sons | Cardiac Arrest - Bad Suns | Breezeblocks - alt-j

A Concept;

so for a while there was a thing going around on Tumblr (I think its still a thing?? who knows?? I'm an actual grandma and don't know how to keep up with things, so for the sake of this post I'll say its still a thing) and I decided to jump on the bandwagon 600 years later and write future concepts for the people in my life. I guess this is less of a 'concept' post and more of a 'hopes for the future' post, but oh well. Enjoy I guess?

_        _        _

a concept; you are loved. you are safe and feel loved and you finally are living your dreams. the rest of the world finally sees you for the beautiful, bright soul you are and you do too. You finally get to do all the things you wanted to, see all the places you wanted to see, and meet all your idols and jthe people who inspired you even in your darkest times and thank them for everything. we finally got to go on that road trip that we planned and then some. all your hard work has finally paid off and you've finally realized how important you are and have a successful career. You get to keep on inspiring people while living your dream life with all you ever wanted and more. Everything's better than you ever could've hoped for. 

a concept; we've finally met. in real life. we've met and we've been together for just a few months now, but we still adore each other after all this time and we've got our own apartment now. we get to do all those movie marathons we planned and we wake up every morning to waffles and hot chocolate with our dog curled up in the living room. I get to show you all the things I wanted to, and maybe everything didn't turn out the way we planned, but you're here. you're here with me and the world is brighter now that you are and I love you so.

a concept; you're a writer. you get to keep going with your masterpieces and you have several of your works published and you get to see the impact you make on a much larger scale. your words heal the hearts of people around the world and not only do you get to inspire others to do the same, but you inspire others to keep going when they thought they were ready to fall.

a concept;  you've graduated from Stanford at the top of your class like you always dreamed you would. you're still working on your dream to become the president of the united states, but in the meantime you're changing the world for the better with your ideas and you get to dream even bigger dreams along the way.

a concept; the world is brighter. there are more people chasing their passions and there are more ideas changing the world every day. people are still falling in love and learning to love themselves too. old doubts and insecurities are gradually replaced by seeds of hope and we're all okay. broken hearts are mended and all the things we lost are being rebuilt from the ground up. the world is getting better and we're all okay.

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this week's playlist
From The Ground Up - Sleeping At Last | Am I Pretty? - The Maine | Swan Song - Grimes | Woodwork - Sleeping At Last | Loved At All - Joel Ansett | That Green Gentleman - Panic! at the Disco | Love At First Sight - The Brobecks | Sidekick - WALK THE MOON | I'll Keep You Safe - Sleeping At Last | She Had The World - Panic! at the Disco | Homeless - Ed Sheeran | High Hopes - Kodaline | Jenny - WALK THE MOON | The City - The 1975 | From The Ground Up - Sleeping At Last | Do You Know What I'm Seeing? - Panic! at the Disco | Pictures - Benjamin Francis Leftswich | I Knew This Would Be Love - Imaginary Future | Let It Go - James Bay | Growing Pains - Birdy | Laughter Lines - Bastille | Where The Skies Are Blue - The Lumineers | You - Keaton Henson

(I'll finally reply to comments sometime today, I promise)

Reintroduction

So um...hi?? It's been a while. 
I'm back to the same old blog, just with a whole new url and look, which still feels strange honestly, but I like the new feel of it.
It's official, this is the longest hiatus I've ever had, but I needed it. I was wanting to come back a lot sooner, but it didn't exactly go as planned. Either way, I'm really happy to be back.

Please forgive me if I don't sound the same, it's been a while and quite a few of my interests have changed and I'm still not quite comfortable with everything yet. I haven't been on blogger for a couple months either, so if in the last week or so you noticed a sudden spike in your pageviews, that was probably me. I'm still working on catching up with everything and hoping I can reestablish this little corner of the internet. 

I feel like I left you all as the Dan and Phil + pun loving member of the community and then completely changed myself and dragged myself back, which feels unfair to all of you in a way I guess and I feel really bad, but maybe I can try to introduce you to the things I love (again).  It will probably happen in a post later on. 

Since I haven't asked in a long time, how are all of you doing? I've tried to catch up with the majority of you by reading blogs, but sometimes it's still hard to tell, so how's life for everyone? How is school, your pets, maybe some of you have made some drastic changes in your lives? (I'm really sorry, I'm so bad at this)

Hopefully by next week I'll be better at this. I do have a couple drafts already up and ready to go, so I'm looking forward to those in the meantime.

(And I'm going to get better at this, I promise.) 

Dear Future,

Thank you for being kind

Thank you for always settling in as the gentle present

Thank you for never being anything more than I can handle 

I'll admit, I was a little terrified at first when I first heard of you, but I appreciate all of the wonderful people you've given me along the way so I don't have to take this path alone

I'm sorry for pushing you away for the longest time when I was younger; you have to understand, I didn't know what to think

Because you bring such terrible, wonderful things, and I wasn't ready to face any of them 

But along with the people, you've given me hope and a whole new perspective on the most beautiful, horrible place I've ever seen
Please forgive me if I'm still a little hesitant, but I still doubt myself and wonder if I'll ever be ready to fully come out of my own little box I've grown so fond of 

All the same, I'm very glad you're here, and I invite you in to take a seat

Pour yourself a cup of tea and make yourself at home

I'm ready to hear all about the world you've built for me

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fun fact: I was sitting alone on a beach a few months ago, right behind the group of kids in the last picture. we all sat and watched the waves while the boy and girl on the far right played the flute while the middle one played the ukulele and the other two sang about the future and hope and love while the sun went down. Sitting on that beach behind that group of kids was the calmest and most at peace with the world I've felt in a very long time.

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this week's playlist
I'll Keep On - NF, Jeremiah Carlson | Heal - Tom Odell | The Light Behind Your Eyes - My Chemical Romance | Woman Woman - AWOLNATION | Kansas City - The New Basement Tapes | Avalance - WALK THE MOON | Portugal - WALK THE MOON | R.I.P. 2 My Youth - The Neighbourhood | What It Costs - Switchfoot | Maps - The Front Bottoms | Stay In The Clouds - Zee Avi | Ghosts That We Knew - Mumford and Sons | Carried Away - Dionysia | All These Things That I've Done - The Killers

My Safe Places

~     ☁     ~

peej liguori

cavetown

twenty one pilots

trees

stars

morning sun rays

the ocean

sunflowers

books

art

journey

my little glass house

blue neighborhood

youtube

you.


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things I've been listening to:
All I Want - Kodaline // The Cave - Mumford and Sons // Smile - Mikky Ekko // A Lack of Color - Death Cab for Cutie // Ink - Coldplay // Bad Habit - The Kooks // La Vie En Rose - Daniela Andrade // Taxi Cab - Twenty One Pilots // Banana Bread - Cavetown // Say It - Houndmouth // Sound - The 1975 // All Is Well - Austin Basham // Heaven - Troye Sivan


((please don't take my photos, thank you <3 <3))
(((p.s. guess who finally updated her art page for the first time in 300 years)))

|| Worthy ||

You are more than all the things they said to you

You are more than what you say you are at 3am when you can't stop crying

You are more than how he made you feel

You are more than labels

You are more than what they try to shrink you down to

You are more than your previous mistakes

you are more than just a test score or a letter on a paper

You are more than your grades

you are more than your old choices

you are more than your sexuality

you are more than your old lies

You are more than the scars on your skin
You are more than the scars on your heart
You are more than your stretch marks

You are more than your jiggly thighs or bony wrists

You are more than your dirty clothes or ratty shoes

You are more than "pretty" or "skinny"

You are more than all your comments or likes or views

You are more than your insecurities or flaws

You are more than the fiery sun or the glittering stars in the sky

You are worth more than you could ever imagine

☁     ☁     ☁

I've been going to these seminars and little things lately to help get me out of some previous drama in my life. Out of all of them, the one moment that stood out the most to me was when I went to my very first seminar sitting way far in the back, hiding when the lady speaking was picking out random volunteers. She would pick a random person in the crowd of about 30-50 people and hand the microphone to that person, asking what they wanted in life. Then she would ask how that would make them feel, if they had that thing they wanted.

This one particular lady she had picked said she wanted this certain job. The speaker then asked how that would make her feel if she had that job. Holding the microphone up, the lady responded "I would feel worthy." The speaker waited for a minute and went on, "So, having this job would make you feel worthy, or make you feel like you have more worth than you do now. Why is that?" Again, the lady held up the mike, responding with a little laugh, "I guess, having the money, haha." She sorta laughed  it off along with the crowd while the speaker looked at her for a moment, and then asked, "Well, can you tell me what you are worth now?"

"What am I worth?"

"Yes."

She was silent for a long time.

"Well...I'm worth a lot more than money."

I think about this a lot.

☁     ☁     ☁

((still on break. just a little scheduled draft for you guys.))

((have a wonderful day ❤))

Did I Ever Tell You Of That One Time I Was At A Back-To-School Party And I Walked Into A Bar Trying To Chase Someone Down To Give Them Back Their Photobooth Pictures I Had Accidentally Paid For

Yeah it was a wild ride.

I will never be able to live that down.

That and trick or treating as Benedict Cumberbatch

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH GOT ENGAGED BTW AND THIS HAPPENED THIS IS TRUE ART OKAY BYE

KEEFE.

Google "angry duckling" you will not be disappointed

Cheer up and dry your damp eyes and tell me when it rains
And I'll blend up that rainbow above you and shoot it through your veins
'Cause your heart has a lack of colour and we should've known
That we'd grow up sooner or later 'Cause we wasted all our free time alone

LOOK AT THIS CHOCOLATE PLATE DRAGON I CANT EVEN DRAW A STICK MAN WITHOUT PANICKING JUST HOW

(x)

Remember when BBC finally went ahead and let out the outtakes of Sherlock and the internet broke

Adam is love

Adam is life

I will leave you with a smiling little pup 

Or two

THANKS FOR READING

EAT PINEAPPLES

DON'T DO DRUGS

READ A GREAT BOOK AND ALL THAT FUN STUFF

And have a fabulous day lovelies!! xD

VICTORY. HONOR. DESTINY. MUTTON.

GUYS I FOUND A GIF FOR THE THING I NEED A PLACE FOR THIS SOMEWHERE IN MY BLOG THIS MUST HAPPEN

iconic

*FAILS PATHETICALLY AT BLOWING HORN*

TIME FOR ANOTHER PATI CMAC ART...SHOWCASE...THING.

*sobs* it's so beautiful.

And if this isn't Tom Hiddleston, I don't know what to believe anymore...xD

To Adi: HE'S EVEN GOT THE PHOOMPH I MEAN COME ON. XD

To Kelsey: OH MY GOD. I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT IS ANYBODY BUT TOMMAY. THE PHOOMPH THOUGH.

Friendly reminder that on Halloween I spent half the day printing out masks of celebrities and taking webcam pics and when I was sorting the pictures later that day, I clicked on one of the pictures of me in a Benedict Cumberbatch mask and thought it was me without a mask

THE HAIR COLORS EVEN THE SAME WHAT EVEN.

Adi: I just want it noted that I was in on this fun too. I was J.R.R. Tolkien. And I also slapped some steampunk paper onto plastic goggles idk man we have fun okay. xD

Nerd. xD

This is so freaking cool I would cry if that washed off like full on break down in tears that is amazing can you tell I love art. xD

I had to add 'xD' to my dictionary because I get ticked off whenever Google underlines it in red every single time I want to type in a smiley face and don't want to go for the traditional ':D' xD

if his smile isn't the cutest you've ever seen I clearly didn't do my Tom Hiddleston PowerPoint post right k I'm gonna go now I'm sorry bye...

Am I the only one who actually misses Jenny like why doesn't BBC bring her back she's the doctor's daughter and she was fabulous and she can kick butt like no other come on. xD

~

WELL I THINK I'VE SCARRED ENOUGH OF YOU FOR ONE DAY.

SINCE PINEAPPLES HAVE SEEM TO BECOME A PRETTY COMMON ITEM IN YOUR DIET AFTER MY LAST...10-20 posts????

EAT LOTS OF BANANAS BECAUSE BANANAS ARE GOOD

DON'T DO DRUGS STILL THOUGH BC YOU KNOW THOSE ARE BAD

AND DON'T FORGET TO READ A FABULOUS BOOK OR IF YOU DON'T HAVE A BOOK NEARBY TRY AND SMILE AT A STRANGER TODAY 

AND HAVE A LOVELY DAY. <3